Developing Personal Skills and Making Changes

Many of the posts on Rockingrama's Reflections are focused on growing as an individual. In fact the whole site is targeted at growing in faith, interpersonal skills, coping skills and the development of a full and satisfying life. The journal entries are highly personal and they are a combination of ideals that have been formed from three main areas: direct experience, education and personal opinion. For me it is a mission of mentoring for family, friends and any other individuals who just need a little encouragement or confidence to boost their day. If there's any reward in the writing, its from the occasional individual who stops to comment that one of the items helped in some small way.

The ideas are not the perspective of a trained psychiatrist, psychologist or social scientist. They are not intended as formula coaching or rigid sets of right and wrong. Rather, I hope that its more like having a talk about some of the common issues we experience as human beings with a trusted friend or family member over a good glass of wine. Some of the principles are so universal that it seems redundant to repeat them, but it is what we miss in life that hurts us, not what we've heard more than once.

While my opinion is that self-development is a key aspect of living a good productive life, it is important to have a clear understanding of why we strive to be better all the time. There are questions to be asked. Such as, what would be the harm if we didn't work so hard to change? Is it healthy to always want to be something different than what you are? Is there a point in life where you graduate from this cycle and rest on your laurels? Is it only ego that drives us to change, or is there a deeper genetic purpose for this constant development? I might answer these differently than you, but both of us would have valid views depending on the circumstances of our own life.

It is also very important to understand that anything you accomplish (a skill developed and then set in motion) through self-development has an impact not only on you, but on your circle of influence. Family, friends, colleagues, and aquaintances benefit directly from your skill pool. There is even a global impact in that when the level of faith, education, tolerance and social ability raises even a fraction of a percent, the human condition improves. This is the basis of hope for humanity in its simplest form.

Growing as a person always requires change. Change can be a radical idea that takes you to a far away place to explore, lend a helping hand or start a new business. It can also be a quiet commitment to pray or read 30 minutes every day. The most important thing is that the change is something positive that you choose and not a negative influence that carries you on an ill wind to places you never wanted to be. If that small voice is telling you "I shouldn't, but why not?" think about it long and hard, because that is a dangerous road that usually interrupts your life and rarely enhances it. Choose a better path. Use the power of decision and go for the things that glorify God, beautify your surroundings and edify your mind.

You don't have to be the CEO or the person in charge of anything except your own life to make positive change. A homemaker that learns to sew and make curtains for her home or clothes for her children is validated in that skill. The homemakers'attention to the finite skills in life has just as much importance in that circle of influence as a CEO has in theirs. Comparing your life to the lives of others is not the way to determine your value. If you must compare, compare what you were doing yesterday with what you are doing today. Is it more or less, better or worse? More importantly, are you happy in it? Less can be better; less worry, less stress, as more can be worse. Have you filled your plate too full? It's all relative to your own situation.

The first step is always to ask the questions. My questions go something like this:

1. Have I thanked God for my gifts, repented and practiced forgiveness and asked for His blessing?
2. What do I need to accomplish TODAY?
3. Is there something in my marriage that needs attention today?
4. Is my life going well?
5. If not, why not? If so, what is working well?
6. What can I do, this day, to make things better?
7. What are my 3 most important short term goals? Am I doing something positive to make them happen?
8. What are my lifetime goals? How is that going? Do I need to get help?
9. Does someone I know need me? How can I fulfill that need?
10. What steps can I take to fill in the knowledge and skill gaps in my life?

It would be a big fat lie to tell you I always get through this list, or that the list doesn't change daily. The comfort of the list is in knowing that it exists and that you can go back to it for a focal point if things get chaotic. Frankly, if you just pick one question on the list and work on it for a while, the exercise is just as valuable.

No matter what you do, write a blog, fly a kite or invent a universal vaccine for the eradication of stupidity in the world, you matter. What you do today matters. Never mind the nay-sayers that tell you to "get a life", you have one and it belongs to you. Be thoughtful, be considerate, be kind, be faithful, be loving and stay well. Make changes and develop skills through living your daily life with enthusiasm and keen interest in others.

I think I'll go change the sheets. This was exhausting.

For those that are clamoring for more, more, more, here are some pictures from our morning walk (a habit my husband and I are trying desperately to develop) here at Sun City Texas:







Pleasant work on the golf-course...so peaceful. 


Thick underbrush along the path. 


Near Trail's End. 


Curious friends sniffing our scent. 


Watch out for the cactus! 


Emerald Green around the bend. 


Morning skies...what a beautiful blue! 


I wonder what lies ahead? 


Lillypads on the lake. 


A diversion from the main trail. 


8am from Sun City Pavillion 

Habits and Rules

This is a post from last October that I re-read and thought was worth repeating. Enjoy.

I am a born resistor, a maker of sub-rules, a person always looking for the window of innovation and improvement in everything that I do. Even reverse psychology fails to take its toll on my innate and stubborn commitment to carve my own groove into everything that I do because I’ve been on to it since I was about 4 or 5. For people with a higher intellect, like say…um Einstein, this might be a good tactic. For a normal (?) person like me, this trait is more problematic.

It was an issue of some magnitude when I was young, affecting my personal life, my relationships, my studies and my work. Becoming more educated about choices in life and having mellowed with age, I can now admit that at least some of my innovations were definitely not improvements. My evolving approach to things has become more step-back and see what happens than the former forge forward with my personal whim strategy. The new philosophy wears much better in the real world.

I was never rude or abrasive, just inappropriately independent and not a great team player. Part of this came from a very real need to take care of myself without much help, and the rest from an inflated need to always be proving my competence in adverse environments. I think this is a common thread among people who grow up thinking they are lesser human beings, that they are entitled to less or that their station in life is predetermined by circumstance.

My parents did not teach me to feel this way on purpose. They did allow me to feel this way by allowing their own insecurities to be laid bare within the family structure. It was not their fault and this is not a blaming session, only a reflection of how a parent’s attitude of subservience and class can affect their child’s personality. To their credit, they did the very best they could to be good parents.

Security, self-worth and dignity are values that are “learned by being”. To feel secure, you must be secure. To have a sense of self, you must be assured in your personal value in this world. To have dignity, dignity must be present in your circumstance before it is planted in your mind and connected to your “self”.

Regardless of efforts that may or may not have been made to pass these values on to me, they came later in life. The good news is that the values are firmly in place now. Things like participating in a team, upholding the ideas of others without compromising self and being secure that I am equal to others and a credit to myself have become second nature. I don’t have to reinvent the wheel; I can be one of the spokes with complete comfort in my position. What a relief!

Whether you are struggling with forming values, trying to figure out what your position in life is about or just dealing with daily problems, a great place to start establishing control of your issues lies in forming good habits and a few ground rules.

There are two kinds of habits/ground rules that each of us need to form. The first of the sets are those that are universal and the second set is personal.

Universal habits are the written and unwritten daily actions that bind us in grace to the human community. I repeat: Universal habits are the written and unwritten daily actions that bind us in grace to the human community.

From the American Heritage Dictionary:

grace - NOUN:

• Seemingly effortless beauty or charm of
  movement, form, or proportion.


• A characteristic or quality pleasing for its
  charm or refinement.


• A sense of fitness or propriety.


• A disposition to be generous or helpful;
  goodwill.


• Mercy; clemency.


• A favor rendered by one who need not do so;
  indulgence.


• A temporary immunity or exemption; a
  reprieve.


• Graces Greek & Roman Mythology Three
  sister goddesses, known in Greek mythology as Aglaia, Euphrosyne, and Thalia,
  who dispense charm and beauty.


• Divine love and protection bestowed freely on
  people.


• The state of being protected or sanctified by
  the favor of God.


• An excellence or power granted by God.


• A short prayer of blessing or thanksgiving said before or
  after a meal.


• Grace Used with His, Her, or Your as a title and
  form of address for a duke, duchess, or archbishop.


• Music An appoggiatura, trill, or other musical ornanment in the music of 16th and 17th century England.

For my own purposes, I have highlighted the accepted definitions of grace that apply here. It’s all about what we do, how we do it and lastly how that makes us and others feel and think about ourselves in the world community. It’s about applying the principles of faith and fairness to every aspect of our daily lives. It’s about realizing the potential of self through practicing our values. It’s about living by the rules that are innate in us regardless of our gender, religion, sexual orientation, skin color or political views. It’s about genuine love.

The habits are up to you, as your values may differ from mine. These are the ones that I chose to focus on:

Habit #1: Love God, love others and love yourself.

Habit #2: Practice your faith, pronouncing it is not enough. Pray.

Habit #3: Practice kindness and forgiveness every day.

Habit #4: Diligently work at identifying your gifts in life, then use them in your daily life.

Habit #5: Share. Do not hoard knowledge or resources unreasonably. This does not mean don’t take care of yourself, it does mean consider others.

Habit #6: Participate as fully as you are able with family, friends, co-workers and the community at large.

Habit #7: Help at least 1 other person every day.

Habit #8: Present yourself well. Take care of your health and your appearance and arrive with a smile.

Habit #9: Be thankful.

Habit #10: Be respectful.

The rules pertain to law and define the order in our lives. As I see it, these are universal and less flexible. In any case, these are mine:

Rule #1: Follow God’s laws.

Rule #2: Follow the laws of the land.

Rule #3: To the best of your ability, encourage others to do the same.

Clearly there are other habits and rules in life, like brushing your teeth or changing your underwear, doing your homework and respecting your peers and elders. If you develop the 10 habits above and follow the 3 rules, all of the sub-habits and sub-rules are second nature. You can not lie and be respectful at the same time, you can not hate and be loving, you can not help and be spiteful, you can not share what is hidden.

No one is perfect. All of us fail consistently at upholding our values because that is the plight of being human. The will to start fresh each day is the key to feeling as satisfied as possible with your actions. Acknowledging imperfection is the first step to doing better next time.

This is a model for thought and action that helps me stay on track. Maybe it will help you, but I would much rather see you sit down and think through the steps to see what works in your own life. Thoughtful consideration of what we do is the first step to realizing our potential as individuals and our capacity for contribution to the people in our life.

Grace be with you.

RANDOM SLEEP TALK

My mind runs 24/7. There are many things rattling around in this familiar small space at the same time. The resulting chaos reminds me of dreams where there are many people who have absolutely no connection with each other except that you have known or seen them, frolicking together at a non-existent and bizarre event.

For instance, your Birkenstock-shod kindergarten teacher, one of your ex-flames from another decade, the Priest from your sisters wedding and your neighbor's nephew may be snorkeling together in a human aquarium while you watch from your restaurant table where a nurse is administering flu shots. The beef is bloody, but the wine is good. The dream cast is trying desperately to communicate with you, but all you get is bubbles. You never know whether you got the flu or not, or if anybody drowned or suffered a barracuda bite, because the dream just abruptly ends. The result is extremely unsatisfying.

Now, my thoughts are not usually as chaotic as my example, but they can be. Years ago I had a dream of being chased for hours by people with dogs heads up the stairs and around the roof of a high rise. A clock struck five and the dog-headed pursuers walked calmly to the edge and jumped off. Salvador Dali shook his finger at me and said "I told you so." I went back to my desk and worked through the night. Well, we all know what that dream was about. I can laugh now that I'm retired. Its even more humorous if I count my savings from all those years of hard work.

Usually its just a matter of going to bed with thoughts in my head and waking up with some kind of dialog still running. Maybe its the grocery list, maybe its the words for an important letter: sometimes its a prayer. If I read or study before bed, I will wake up repeating the lesson. If I engage in listening to music, a song may appear. More often than not, it is 3 to 5 unrelated items that have been categorized for action during my somnambulance. The beauty is, they make sense and I know what to do with them.

All of us have said "Let me sleep on it." I think there is more to this than an excuse to delay a decision. For me, sleep is a thought process where I am able to thrash about possibilities and alternate conclusions, solve that math problem and find the rubber bands I was looking for last week.

There are no restrictions on your internal processes when you are resting and no voices to discourage your natural creativity. I wake up with some of my best ideas and rid myself of some of the worst when I'm in the "z" zone.

I'm sure there are experts that will disagree with me, but I am firmly rooted in the feeling that sleep is a highly sophisticated decoding process for mind and body; a cozy and peaceful cove, or a carnival of encrypted complexities strewn with sights and sounds that only have meaning to the owner. Rejuvenation is only one significant purpose of rest.

Personally, I think it takes great faith just to go to sleep. What if something happens and you miss it? What if sleep is reality and the rest is the dream? What if your only true love is the one you meet there? What if the people in the aquarium are the most significant and closest allies you will ever have? What if you don't wake up? What if you do? What if those were real dogs in human suits? ;)

Methods abound to cure these issues, but drugs interfere with the dreaming (yes, in color), which I would miss. I also would miss late night peeks at the moon and stars and the quiet to think or write uninterrupted. I would miss patterns of the moonlight shining through the blinds at 3AM and the sound of my loved ones breathing. I would miss the communion with my cat, who shares my sleeplessness.

I haven't tried the sleep number bed, but I think my number is 0-4. I'd get up to do something else anyway and it would probably be an idea I got when I laid down.

All this from a chronic insomniac; practicing my avocation.

I better stop and get to bed.

Garden Visitors in Central Texas

I was pleasantly surprised by this beautiful lady while bringing in the paper last week. Wow! (says me) I had to run in and get my camera and take pictures because this elegant specimen, a Golden Orb Weaver garden spider, is fully 4 or more inches from top to bottom. The body alone is an inch or longer and her thickness must be about 1/2 inch. I'm not through congratulating myself on this picture taken with my fairly low tech digital camera, as it's better than any others I was able to pull up on the web. Here's a little more info if you haven't run for cover yet. Look for item # 10. http://insects.tamu.edu/extension/bulletins/l-1787.html

This is a beautiful time of year in Central South Texas! Temperatures have finally dropped 5 or 6 degrees off the highs of the summer and most days peak out between 82 and 86 degrees. The low temps of the day are ranging somewhere from the high 50's to the mid 60's. In this waning October, the light from the full moon was so bright last week that a 3 am awakening had me up and looking out the window for sunrise. I went outside on the patio for a few still moments with the moon and a warm steady breeze from the southwest. Peace is so easy here.

Many of the native flowering plants are in full bloom now. You can still wear your shorts all day long, but in the early morning a little windbreaker is nice if you are walking. Yesterday, Austin reached a record high for the date at somewhere around 90.

We moved here from my husband's home of over 30 years in the Boston area where today's high will be about 57. Sounds like a beautiful fall day, but we will have a bright and sunny 82 or so here and when Boston starts hitting those 30 degree or lower marks, Central Texas will still be between 60 and 80 degrees the majority of the time. I have to interject here, that we loved Massachusetts too, there is a season for everything though, and we belong here now. That said, it is highly unlikely that we will be burdened with shoveling snow, falling on the ice or dealing with broken pipes due to freezing or severely aching joints from the cold. It is even less likely that frostbite will be a major health concern. There is a chance, but not a promise that I will wear my wool coat at least once or twice this winter. Thunderstorms and rain can be awesome and dangerous here, but they are also beautiful and renewing in their power. Gardening is a year round enterprise and each season brings new life.

Still, all is not perfect in paradise. You have to be careful of things like making sure you treat your yard for pesky little creatures like fire-ants http://austin.about.com/od/fireants/ and fiddle backed spiders http://www.ozane.com/pcn/spider01.html . Mold is an ever threatening issue http://www.capitol.state.tx.us/hrofr/interim/int77-1.pdf#search=

The growing population is encroaching so rapidly on former wildlife areas that our gardens are teeming with deer, armadillos http://www.flex.net/~lonestar/armadillo.htm, rabbits and the occasional skunk, scorpian, army beatle, tarantula or centipede. Cameleons, frogs, roadrunners and turtles are my personal favorites. Our garden also has a wide variety of butterflies and birds. If you go near the water, you are sure to see an occasional crane. A pair of morning doves took up early morning residence behind an Iris plant near the house last year and kept me company for a few days, and if you sit on the back patio long enough you are sure to see several hummingbirds feeding on the flowering bushes.

While it's a beautiful site to see deer grazing peacefully with the morning dew glinting sunlight off their graceful Bambi-like forms; the first time you notice that the target of their meal is a$40.00 plant (now sheared to within 2 inches of the ground), or that your $200.00 tree is dying from having the bark rubbed off...they become less charming. It is advisable to step gingerly in the yard to avoid the telltale "pellets" of last nights deer visitation. After replacing major landscaping items a few times the level of frustration is very high because you want to live responsibly with nature, but you are not getting much cooperation from the other side.

Ah well, I think, but God created all of us. Be patient, enjoy all of this beautiful free entertainment and hold the complaints for a time when there's something really bad in your life. For now, I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be. Perhaps Genesis says it best:

23 And there was evening and there was morning, a fifth day. 24 And God said, "Let the earth bring forth living creatures according to their kinds: cattle and creeping things and beasts of the earth according to their kinds." And it was so. 25 And God made the beasts of the earth according to their kinds and the cattle according to their kinds, and everything that creeps upon the ground according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. 26 Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth." 27 So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. 28 And God blessed them, and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth and subdue it; and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the air and over every living thing that moves upon the earth." 29 And God said, "Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree with seed in its fruit; you shall have them for food. 30 And to every beast of the earth, and to every bird of the air, and to everything that creeps on the earth, everything that has the breath of life, I have given every green plant for food." And it was so. 31 And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, a sixth day.

I left the Golden Orb Weaver alone for now; "Goldie" has protected status. Isn't it a great thing that God lets us live in his garden too. What a life!

New Beginnings

New Beginnings

The development and birth of a human life is a beautiful, mysterious event. What happens after we get here is another story and what we do with our lives is subject to all kinds of influences. Physical, environmental, psychological, social and financial challenges bombard us from the moment we are born and it’s a tremendous challenge to weather this storm daily and come out on the other end as a decent, respectable human being. One of the most interesting life challenges is the new beginning.

Obvious new beginnings occur as a natural progression in our lives. Birth, eating, speaking, walking, starting kindergarten, moving to a bigger school, graduating high school then college, moving away from home, work, marriage, parenting, grand-parenting, and retired living are all normal examples. If only it were so simple. All of these common events are complicated further by sub-sets of internal and external influence. Parents, siblings, spouses, lovers, friends, neighbors, bosses and co-workers, con-artists and tricksters of every sort step into the mix and raise the stakes for our sanity. As if this were not enough, there are thousands of critical decisions to be made that test our faith and ethical fiber.

I read in a management textbook at college years ago that a single person is not capable of effectively managing more than 6 other individuals because of the complexity of relationships and situations that are formed when the number reaches 6. For example, the one to one relationship with the individual, the individuals relationships with the 5 other people you are managing, their relationships with each other and you, and all of the external factors that influence each persons performance on the job. It made sense to me at the time and still does. However, if you think of it in terms of ones management of their life, it seems like child’s play. Being confused is sometimes justified.

If your life is not too complicated, you may have the luxury of only experiencing a few major changes such as moves, marriages, deaths and traumatic events like accidents, illness, abuse or incarceration. In truth, most people have one or more of these complications in their life many times over. We move, we change jobs, we have disappointing relationships and failed opportunities. We commit offenses against other people. We are forced to make decisions with inadequate information and poor advice. We are left vulnerable and alone.

The good new is this. The human brain, even when we are using it at far less than capacity, is capable of handling as much as the world can hand us. It is like a dry sponge waiting to be filled with water, except that it never reaches it’s natural capacity. You get to choose what to put in it and when. You have free use of it every single day.

The bad news is that unless you manage your brain responsibly, it will just allow you to dig yourself deeper into the muck of poor insight, bad decision making and negative experiences. It will allow you to despair; it will allow you to destruct. Therefore, you have a responsibility to yourself to store good information, develop skills and give all things in your life respectful consideration before acting on them.

There’s more good news. If you have acted poorly in the past, your brain will allow you to correct the problem. You can decide to change your mind, alter your behavior and follow a better pattern of living. You can face changes with confidence that you are capable of being successful. You can take steps one at a time to make your life positive and satisfying. You can decide to get professional help for your problems. You can help yourself and you can help others. You can begin anew.

As a person who experienced more than my share of new beginnings, I have a few guidelines to help me move forward. If the change is motivated by negative factors:

1. Honestly define the reason for the change, including your part in it, then ask God’s help to make things better.


2. Make a plan before you make the change and follow it through.


3. Listen to your conscience and repair whatever you can.


4. Forgive yourself if you need to. Forgive others.


5. Do not dwell on past mistakes, but file them for reference.


6. Do not carry grudges.


7. Embrace your family and friends and keep them in the picture.


8. Keep your sense of humor.


9. Never allow yourself the luxury of self-pity. You are responsible and capable. You just made a mistake.

If the change is for positive reasons, think about these steps:

1. Thank God for your blessing.


2. Share the news with the people you care about, refrain from bragging to those you don’t.


3. Allow yourself to enjoy the event.


4. Be sensible and keep your perspective during the change.


5. Try not to make other major decisions at the same time.


6. Include anyone who helped you achieve your goal in your list of thanks.


7. Remember that others may not be so fortunate and that it is prudent to think about what you say and how you act during change.


8. True friendship is precious. Try not to leave friends behind. Stay in touch.

This passage from Psalms 51 has been helpful to me in times of change.

Psalms 51:7-13
7 Purify me from my sins, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. 8 Oh, give me back my joy again; you have broken me – now let me rejoice. 9 Don't keep looking at my sins. Remove the stain of my guilt. 10 Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a right spirit within me. 11 Do not banish me from your presence, and don't take your Holy Spirit from me. 12 Restore to me again the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you. 13 Then I will teach your ways to sinners, and they will return to you.

Whatever your new beginning may be, try to take heart in the fresh possibilities that exist within it. Life is filled with uncertainty, but that is part of the adventure of being alive. Do your best to live it with a clean heart and I expect that you will do well.

Celebrating Life

Celebrating Life

Many of the great philosophers and contemporary writers have pondered on the theme of the meaning of life. I would not compare my humble thinking process with that of these learned individuals or presume to say that I have the final answer. However, from my point of view as a believer in God they often miss the point. My thought is that each life has its own meaning in the sight of God and that its purpose here on earth is life itself.

You are a child of God. Nothing and no one on earth can take this away from you because God is greater and more powerful than the sum of this Universe and any others that may exist. The difference between you as a human being and other living creations is that God gave you dominion over the earth and all other living creatures then put you in charge of your life by granting free will.

What God asks of us in recognition of His abundant love is to live our lives according to his rules. Those ten simple rules only become complex with our endless and tiresome quest to circumvent and reinvent their meaning. These ten rules can be applied to almost any law text written in the history of legalese. In truth, if the entire human population lived by these Ten Commandments, no other laws would be necessary. Our courts and our jails would be empty and each life would be fulfilled in its own time.

Free will then becomes the problem. I believe that God gave us free will because of His love for all of His creations. I think that God meant for us to use it more judiciously; that we were intended to love, to work, to help our families and our communities, to exercise responsible stewardship of all of our gifts, to respect our bodies, to give freely of our talents and most importantly to fully recognize God as our Father in Heaven. I believe that we were also meant to love and respect ourselves and our home here on earth.

It is false to believe that we are more or less than any other person. It is truth to understand that our individual gifts are different. When we presume our worth and position is less or more than that of others, the potential for wrong thinking and wrong behavior is great. An elevated sense of worth, for an extreme example, could lead us to the thought that stealing from others or even murder is a solution to some life problem. After all, of what account is the victim if we are so much more valuable and our needs are so much greater than his or hers? A poor sense of our own worth can lead to self abuse, deprecation of spirit and denial of our sanctified place in God's human family.

Since you personally are a valued member of the human race and a child of God, it is your right and your responsibility to respect and love your life. It is your right and responsibility to exercise your free will in a way that glorifies God, recognizes the worth and equal value of other human beings, elevates your spirit and utilizes the full potential of your unique gifts.

You may or may not agree with my point of view according to your own free will, but it is indisputable that any human life is precious and limited in its length. Learn to appreciate and manage your days with careful attention to the details. Open your eyes and your heart to possibilities, put your mind to the task of joyful living, work diligently for good and ask God for help. Never despair, always forgive, and try again when you fail. Celebrate your life every single day by being all that you can be.